Death Is Not The End
by Imstillwaitingfortheraintofall
Summary: A catastrophic event leaves Alex devastated and pulling away from her friends and family, leaving Lena the only one able to reach her. TW: Major character death. Mentions of thoughts about suicide. - This was an idea that came to me and wouldn't leave, and I cried while writing it so I apologise in advance for any feels. Reviews are everything.
1. Chapter 1

Death Is Not The End 

"KARA!"

Within the myriad of ways Lena had pictured herself finally discovering Supergirl's true identity, never, in her _wildest_ dreams, had she ever imagined it happening by virtue of listening to Alex Danver's scream, in a tone she can only describe as absolute and total broken-heartedness, her sisters name from three paces away, as they watch the alien invader plunge a Kryptonite spear straight into Supergirl's chest.

The two pieces of monumental information; that her best friend in the world is really Supergirl, and that Supergirl has just be killed in front of her eyes, clash so violently within her that Lena doesn't know how to process the overload of emotion that washes through her, and she feels frozen in place.

She sees Alex collapse to the floor, as if every muscle in her body has suddenly stopped working, into a hysterical mess of tears, and feels grief flow through her like lava. It is so hot and thick that it threatens to drown her in it, but then anger; so cold it makes her shiver, washes over her, and stems the tide before she can go under.

Around her there is still chaos.

J'onn, badly injured from his attempts to fight the Beast, is doing his best to comfort Alex. Brainy is unconscious, having been short circuited trying to overload the Beasts neural pathways. And James is barely able to stand after being caught in a building collapse while trying to free victims from an earlier fall. The police, army, and DEO forces are trying to keep an exclusion zone around the invader set up, while the Beast itself rampages through National City, Kara's body dangling from it's hand like a forgotten hanky.

The sight makes Lena feel angrier than she's ever felt in her life and, without thinking, she marches straight towards it, shrugging off the hand that tries to hold her back, not caring if she hurts James' feeling in the process.

As she strides towards it an idea pops into her head, and her fingers are suddenly busy on her watch, tapping out a series of commands that will ensure that her last stand honours her friend as much as she can. Once she arrives as close to it as she can get without being stomped on she stops and raises her chin defiantly.

"Give her to me".

The Beast, fourteen stories tall and seemingly impervious to all Kara could throw at it, looks down at Lena contemptuously. "You dare to demand from your God?"

"You are no God". Lena's voice is so cold it could cut glass. "You are just another pathetic creature intent on destroying the good in this world instead of protecting it. The only person on this planet that was ever worthy of that title would never accept it, and you just murdered her. So you will give her to me, or you will DIE!"

Lena is shaking by the end of her sentence, her rage at seeing Kara hanging from it's fist, so broken and lifeless when she had always been so strong and vibrant almost bringing her to her knees, and she feels her eyes fill with tears.

A booming laugh causes Lena to tear her eyes away from Kara and look up, only to find a condescending look on the Beasts face. "You are brave, little one, I will give you credit for that. No other human has dared to face me, preferring to hide behind this...hero-" he waves Kara's body around like rag-doll "-yet I cannot take your threats seriously when even she was not enough to stop me".

The sight of Kara being manhandled is the last straw for Lena, and she gives him an icy glare as her jaw sets with determination. "Remember, I asked first".

She then presses her watch again, initiating the last part of the sequence, before folding her arms over her chest.

The Beast stares at her like she has lost her mind, then laughs heartily. "You are funny human. Now you are dead".

He starts to lift his right leg, intending to squash her into the side-walk, when he suddenly stops. He frowns in confusion, not understanding why but knowing that something is not right, and looks down at the tiny human in front of him.

"What have you done to me?"

"I'm sure a God can work it out". Lena lifts her right eyebrow while keeping the rest of her expression neutral, but inside she is grinning cruelly.

"AHH!"

The Beast buckles at the waist as pain tears through his insides, and he instinctively flexes his fingers in reaction. Kara's body, no longer supported, falls from his grasp; but Lena had anticipated this. She sprints over to the spot she knows it will land and uses her own body as a barrier between Kara's and the ground. The impact is harsh, knocking Lena clean off her feet and dislocating her shoulder, but reduces the damage done to Kara dramatically.

The sounds of the Beast retreating, crashing haphazardly through the city as he heads back to the ocean to hide register faintly to Lena, but she doesn't care as her attention is captured by the sight of her best friend laying in her arms. Kara has cuts and contusions across her face from her fight, and blood seeps from a cut on her lip, but to Lena she still looks as if she could be sleeping.

With the Beast gone Lena knows she only has a few moments before everyone will be here, so uses them to say goodbye to her best friend privately. With a shaky hand she smooths down strands of Kara's hair, though had always associated them with 'Supergirl' rather than Kara before.

"I guess you weren't as bad a liar as I always thought you were". Lena lets out a hiccupy laugh as tears bubble up in her eyes, realising what a fool she'd been to not see who her best friend truly was.

Her gaze then lowers to the crest covering Kara's chest, the House of El symbol that Supergirl had once told her meant Hope, and Lena realises that Kara had been _her_ hope. From the moment Kara had entered her life Lena had found a patch of sunlight in an other wise dark and forbidding world, but now that light had been taken from her.

Lena buries her head into Kara's chest and weeps hard, her cries of anguish loud and unashamed as she mourns the loss of the one true friend she had been lucky enough to find, completely unaware of the member of the public that is taking pictures of her in her moment of grief.

There are three funerals.

National City holds one for Supergirl.

Midvale holds one for Kara Danvers.

And Argo City holds one for Kara Zor-El.

Alex ignores the one in National City.

She drinks through the one in Midvale.

And the one on Argo City she barely survives.

Lena attends all three funerals even though two of the caskets are empty, so understands why Alex bailed on the first and passes out drunk midway through the second.

She is a wreck after each one, so can only imagine what they are doing to Alex, and she doesn't even have to deal with all the well meaning mourners that keep coming up to her with their tales of woe about their own feelings of grief, or be her own AND Kara's mom's support system.

Lena stands next to Winn and Sam as the traditional Kryptonian burial rites are given, once again feeling the guilt lay heavy on her heart that she hadn't thought of her nanite technology earlier in the fight against the Beast. She wishes to Heaven and back that she'd been smart enough to save her best friends life, because even though the Beast had been impervious to all external attacks, it had only been as Lena had marched down to retrieve her friends body in a fit of do or die mentality that she'd suddenly wondered if he could be attacked from the _inside_. The only thing small enough to penetrate the thick amour covering his body had been nanites, which Lena had programmed to search for any biological openings and infiltrate, using her watch.

It had been a total Hail Mary, and had only worked as a distraction for a day and a half, but it had been long enough for Alex to round up Kara's super-friends from Earth One who had all rallied around and taken the Beast down in Supergirl's honor.

"Do any of Kara's human family wish to say a few words?"

Lena is drawn from her thoughts when she sees Alex, or the shell of what used to be Alex, move to the podium the Kryptonian Priest has just vacated. Lena's heart aches at the toll this has taken on the stalwart young woman, as the ill fitting clothes and dark circles under her eyes speak of a troubled soul. Alex's hands shake as she lifts a piece of paper to rest on the podium, and when she speaks her voice is so frail Lena can scarcely believe it is the same woman she watched go toe-to-toe with a Worldkiller not so long ago.

"Kara meant a lot of different things to different people, but to me she was always my...she was always my sister first".

The last part of the sentence is virtually a whisper, as tears have started streaming down Alex's face in earnest, and she is shaking so much Lena fears she may collapse at any moment. She looks around to see if someone is going to step in, but everyone seems too transfixed by their own grief to realize the extent of Alex's .

"Oh for the love of..."

Muttering under her breath, Lena gives Winn a sharp look and a curt "Move", which he jumps to obey, then marches straight up to the podium.

Without pausing she wraps her arms around Alex, and the distraught woman instantly dissolves into her embrace. She feels Alex bury her face into her neck, the fabric of her shirt dampening with tears immediately, and Lena takes a moment to stroke gentle hands across Alex's back, not caring that they are in full view of the whole congregation, as she croons reassuring words into her ear.

Once she feels Alex start to calm, the shudders running through her body beginning to lessen, Lena whispers a question, to which she receives a small nod in reply. Lena rubs her hand over Alex's back encouragingly, and gives her a warm smile when Alex lifts her head to meet her gaze. The height advantage that Lena's heels give her mean that Alex is the shorter of the two today, and Alex has to arch her neck slightly to gaze up at her, but Lena dips her head down to ensure that their conversation remains private as she whispers something else. The question makes Alex glance at the podium, to where her speech lay, and she draws her bottom lip up to worry between her teeth as her eyes start to fill with tears again.

Lena feels Alex's body tense, and she knows that it is too much for her. "Would you like me to?"

Watery brown orbs turn to her in surprise. "You would do that for me?"

In answer, Lena gives Alex a soft smile, the one that used to be reserved for Kara alone, and reaches for the speech.

"Kara meant a lot of different things to different people, but to me she was always my sister first. Over the years we had our ups and downs, like any siblings, but I knew that no matter what Kara _always_ had my back, just like I always had hers".

Lena feels Alex press back into her shoulder as she reads, knowing she has begun to cry once again, and she uses the arm wrapped around Alex's waist to hold her secure against her body.

"Watching her grow into her powers as Supergirl was an amazing experience, but watching the world grow to love her as Kara Danvers was even better one. She always strove to do more, be better, and was so terribly hard on herself when she felt she'd let people down".

Lena has to stop for a moment as the powerful words Alex has written, coupled with the feeling of the woman herself clawing at her back in desperate despair are straining even her infamous Luthor reserve of stoic detachment. She drops her head and whispers a few words to Alex, feeling the nails digging into her back retract slightly, then takes a deep breath before continuing.

"Kara wasn't from my planet, but she was a better human than any one of us. May Rao's light on her for all Eternity".

As the congregation echoes the final sentence, a sweet touch Lena knows Kara would be honored Alex had added, Lena carefully leads Alex out of the religious chamber and away from everyone.

Five weeks go by before Lena speaks to Alex again.

Lena is a full time consultant for the DEO now which means she sees Alex plenty after the funeral, but Alex always says she's too busy to stop and talk.

Don't take it personally, she's told. Alex has cut pretty much everyone out of her life since Kara died, Winn tells her one day when he stops by to drop off an upgrade to one of the gizmo's he has patented and sold to the DEO.

Winn, who in his flashy suits and $100,000 car, is giving Maxwell Lord a run for his money now that his inventions aren't proprietary owned by the Government, says that even Maggie tried to reason with Alex. He had lowered his voice, like he was imparting gossip over the office water cooler, as he'd told her that all Alex had done was pin Maggie to the wall, angry fuck her, then kick her out the door before the night was over.

Lena had scoffed at him, not wanting to believe it, but Winn had confessed that J'onn knew it for a fact as he had resorted to reading Alex's mind when she refused to talk to him any more.

"She does her job fine. She stays professional as a way to honor Kara, I think". A cloud had passed over Winn's face at the mention of her name. "But as soon as she's off duty all she does is go to the dive-bar over on Fifth and drink".

It's a coping method. Lena recognizes it as she had one very similar to it for a long time after Lex was arrested, and she doesn't judge Alex for it. She does, however, know that it isn't a very good one. Alex though, doesn't want anything more to do with her. Not after the way they left things at the funeral.

The choice of whether to see Alex or not is taken out of her hands two days later when she gets a call from James, who she hasn't heard from since she broke up him with over a month ago, asking if she had seen Alex.

"Alex and I are hardly friends, so why are you asking me?"

"Yeah, well it sure didn't look like that at the funeral". The jibe in James reply is exactly why Lena had ended their relationship. Every since that day he had made comments about their 'closeness' and 'connection', and eventually his constant, groundless, jealously about Lena providing comfort to Alex in her moment of need had driven her to the point where she had walked out of his apartment and hadn't bothered to return.

"Is there a point to you call or am I going to hang up now?"

The sharpness in her voice stings, even through the cordless phone, and James grits his teeth against it. "J'onn is worried. Alex didn't report into work yesterday or today. So we're calling everyone she knows hoping to find her".

"She's not with me".

The dial-tone ringing in his ear informs James that Lena has ended the call, and he shakes his head as he ends the connection his end.

The second she cut the call Lena jumps out of her seat, heading for the door. "Cancel all my appointments".

"For how long, Miss Luthor?" Her assistant stares at her retreating form with wide eyes.

"Until you hear otherwise".

The click of the beer bottle on the metal roof as Alex sets it down is the only tell-tale noise.

Otherwise the night is silent, with only the whisper of the wind every now and again as it passes to tickle the short hair on the back of Alex's neck disturbing the contemplative woman. With eyes raised to the skies, Alex feels more at peace then she has done in weeks, since...that day, but there is still a huge disquiet in her that she doesn't know if she will ever be able to quell.

"I wish you were, Kar".

Her words float on the wind like a wish, ephemeral and translucent, but barely a moment later Alex hears a twig snap in close proximity that signals someone is nearby. Body stilling like a stone, Alex scans the forest clearing, straining her eyes against the dark as she tries to make out where the noise came from. From her position on top of the Observatory she knows she could be a target, though her dark clothes will help her blend in, and the gun strapped to her thigh will help even the odds should whomever be out here be looking to do her harm.

There is another twig snap, which allows Alex to get a bead on her targets location, but just as she is about to draw her weapon the figure mutters something that stops her in her tracks. "Damn it Danvers, you better be out here".

Alex's hand slides away from the gun, but she remains tense as she call out.

"Go home, Lena".

"Alex?" The sound of stumbling, and multiple twigs snapping, sound as Lena comes tumbling out of the forest.

The sight of C.E.O Lena Luthor wearing hiking boots, jean shorts, a red flannel shirt and a backpack is almost enough to make Alex laugh, almost, though it does inspire a small smile, as she takes in the normally unflappable woman's mussed hair.

"Call your car. They''ll pick you up and get you back safely".

"I left my phone at the office". Lena tilts her head, trying to pinpoint where Alex's voice is coming from. "I assumed from your disappearing act that you didn't want to be found, so my coming to you with a GPS tracker in my pocket wouldn't really be fair of me now would it".

The thoughtfulness stuns Alex into silence for a moment, and she frowns down at the perplexing woman. "Why are you here?"

"I was worried about you".

"How are you here?"

"A wing and a prayer really". Lena chuckles. "I haven't done orienteering since school".

"I mean how do you know about this place?" _No one_ knows about this place except..."

"Kara". Lena says the name that Alex can't, and hears the gasp of surprise it causes.

"She told you?"

"She told me a great many things". Lena finally manages to spot Alex, disguised amongst the shadows, sitting atop the Observatory. "Are you ready to come down, or can I come up?"

"The view is better from up here".

Lena finds the ladder that leads up to the roof of the Observatory without hassle, and soon finds herself staring at the ground fifty feet below. A wave of vertigo washes through her, and she has to grip the edge of the ladder tight as she feels her stomach start to churn and roll.

"What's the matter Luthor? Too high for you?"

Taking several deep breathes, trying to regulate her breathing so that she doesn't vomit, Lena hears the sarcasm in Alex's voice, but nods anyway. "Little bit".

"You're kidding, right?"

Alex stares at Lena in shock, finally noticing the death grip she has on the ladder and how pale she's gone. She rises quickly and walks the few paces needed to close the distance between them, placing a secure hand onto Lena's waist when she does. "It's okay. I've got you now".

The words, an echo of the ones Lena had said to Alex when she'd wrapped her arms around her at Kara's funeral, cause Lena to open her eyes in surprise. Panicked green meet wary brown, the questions in each held behind doors neither are yet ready to open, so instead Alex indicates for Lena to place her hand on her arm. "Hold on to me and we'll go across together".

Flashing her a grateful smile, Lena swaps her death grip on the ladder for clinging onto Alex's shoulders, and the pair walk back over to the center of the dome. Once sitting Lena manages to recover her composure quickly, and apologizes to Alex for freaking out.

"I don't get it". Alex waves off the apology, but frowns in confusion. "L-Corp is a literal skyscraper, from what Kara's has told me your apartment is up in the clouds, and you regularly use a helicopter or private jet to travel. This should be nothing in comparison".

"Ever since I could remember, I was terrified of heights". Lena looks down at her lap, as if admitting this secret is painful. "It used to define me, and I let it rule every choice I made for far longer than I should have, but then I realized something. Something that changed my life".

"What did you realize?"

"I realized that the fears we don't face become our limits". Lena looks up, straight into Alex's eyes. "So I force myself to spend my days working in a skyscraper, my nights in an apartment that happens to be on the twenty third floor, and travel in planes that I loathe, simply to ensure I never reach my limits".

"That takes a lot of courage". Alex lifts her bottle of beer to her lips and takes a mouthful, slightly astounded at the revelation.

Without being offered Lena takes one of the unopened bottles and twists the lid off, taking a healthy swig of the contents before wiping the extra suds from her top lip. "I guess I don't seem to have a lot of it left at the moment, hence my...moment".

"You have way more left than I do".

The seemingly offhand comment makes Lena feel sad. "I don't believe that".

"It's true. Why else am I hiding in the woods?"

"You're not hiding. You're seeking".

The words are enough to halt the trajectory of Alex's bottle, and her head swings to look at Lena curiously. "Explain".

"This is where the pair of you came, year after year, so Kara could feel closer to her parents. This spot is the closest Krypton would have been to Earth as it passed through the solar system, had it still been there of course". Lena speaks softly, as she knows Alex already knows this information, but maybe just hasn't worked out the reason she is here now. "You miss Kara, and even though her body resides on Argo, this is where you feel closest to her spirit. You came here seeking the connection you miss".

Astonishment shines clear in Alex's gaze, and her mouth opens and closes several times before she is able to speak. "You...you didn't even know she was Supergirl until after she...How?"

"Kara once told me she came here to feel closer to her parents, though she said it was because they were scientists who had used this Observatory a number of times. After I found out she was Supergirl it wasn't hard to work out why she really came here. She also told me she was always at her most fragile on those days, and it was you who kept her strong".

Lena can't take the look of pure vulnerability on Alex's face any longer, as she aches to reach out and wrap her up in her arms like she had once before, so instead turns her own eyes upwards.

"I'm sorry".

"Grief doesn't require an apology..."

"I'm sorry for trying to kiss you".

That stops Lena in her tracks, because after so much time she didn't think Alex was going to acknowledge the awkwardness that happened after they'd gone outside at Kara's funeral.

""Your apology is accepted".

"Is it?"

"I just said it is didn't I?"

"Then why won't you look at me?"

Lena swallows the lump in her throat and tries to summon some of her legendary Luthor ice queen facade, before turning to face the one subject she was not prepared to handle tonight. "You acted impulsively while dealing with the grief of losing your sister and tried to seek a moment of comfort from the nearest source. I understand your actions and do not blame you in any way. You need not feel any guilt over it".

"Really?" The is an edge to Alex's voice as the shame of her trespass crawls through her. "Because the almighty slap you gave me kinda indicated otherwise".

"I do not take violations of my person lightly". Something passing across Lena's eyes tells Alex that she is not the first person to test Lena's boundaries. "Make sure I _want_ to be kissed before trying to kiss me".

"I'll never lay my hands on you again, I can promise you that". Disgust at herself has Alex slumping back and draining the last of her beer. "I can't even get the woman that wanted to marry me to touch me these days".

"That's not exactly what I meant..." The end of Alex's sentence distracts Lena. "What do you mean, I thought you and Maggie slept together again?"

"How the fuck would you know who I'm sleeping with?"

Lena blushes under Alex's intense stare, not having meant to voice her thought out loud. "Well..I..err...you see...".

Lena finds herself going to pieces as she tries to find a way to explain, without saying the actual words 'Winn told me J'onn read your mind and saw you and Maggie hate fucking', when Alex lets out chuckle.

"J'onn wouldn't have said it, not to you as you don't have that kind of relationship, and I'm going assume James is a hard no, so by process of elimination I'm thinking Winn?"

Lena lets out sigh and nods, happy to be off the hook, then frowns as she still doesn't understand. "Winn said J'onn read you mind and saw you and Maggie...together, but then you guys fought and you kicked her out. Yet you're saying that _didn't_ happen?"

Alex reaches for a new bottle, opens it, and drains a quarter of it in one go. "Maggie came over, told me a few homes truths-" Alex lifts the index and middle fingers of each hand into speech bubble shapes "-then when I tried to kiss _her,_ pushed me off and left, leaving me on the floor crying my heart out and begging her to stay".

Lena's heart aches for how broken Alex sounds, wishing she could fix her, but knows that the normally feisty woman is the only one that can do that for herself.

"It sounds like you're making a habit of trying to kiss women without their consent, Agent Danvers. Think you should maybe work on that?"

The unexpected response forces a chuckle to bubble out of Alex, and she tips her bottle towards Lena in salute. "Touche".

"You planted the fake thought in your head when J'onn came to see you because you didn't want him to see what really happened. Why?"

Alex lets out a heavy sigh. "Because even though I'm still pathetic and lonely in either one, at least its by my choice in the fake version".

"You're not pathetic". Lena's voice is soft as she speaks, full of genuine warmth and honesty. "And you're only lonely because you're choosing to isolate yourself. There are plenty of people that are worried about you, right this minute, who would love to spend time with you if you let them".

Alex is quiet as she stares out into the vastness before her, though her mind is churning as she struggles to process everything she is feeling.

"I'd like to show you something, if you don't mind?"

Alex looks over to find Lena holding a tablet, a questioning look on her face.

"What is it?"

"Something Kara had been working on for your birthday".

The stab of pain she feels at the knowledge that Kara will not be there to wake her up on her birthday this year, bouncing about on her bed with a glowing smile and candle jabbed into a cupcake, the same way she had every year for over ten years, is like a sharp knife sliding between her ribs just below her left lung. It hits her hard, and Alex has to suck in a deep breath of air as she clutches at her chest in shock. Lena is by her side in an instant, one hand pressed over Alex's to hold her steady, and the other against her cheek, gently cupping the side of her face. "It's okay, Alex. You're okay. I got you. Just breath".

The pain is gone almost as quickly as it came, but leaves Alex slightly shaky at the intensity of it. She lets out a slow breath, feeling her equilibrium begin to return, then looks up at Lena kneeling beside her. She gives her a small smile, feeling grateful for her support. "Thanks for coming to my rescue. Again".

"Anytime, Agent Danvers".

Lena knows she retreats behind Alex's formal title whenever her feelings for her best friends sister start to become more confusing than she can deal with, something that is happening more and more often as of late, but can't stop herself from stroking her thumb across the soft skin of Alex's cheek. The impulsive action causes Alex to go very still, her eyes turning almost mahogany with whatever thoughts swirl within them, and Lena see's them drop to linger on her lips for several long seconds.

Aware that she is in very real danger of having to slap Alex again, something she desperately doesn't want to do, Lena forces herself to pull away from Alex with a quick "Sorry, you had a little dust or something on you there" as a explanation for her otherwise unexplainable gesture, and turns to retrieve the tablet she had dropped in her haste to get to Alex.

Alex blinks a few times, as if coming out of a daze, then nods mutely and accepts her excuse without comment. She watches as Lena sits down next to her, leaving a slight gap so that their bodies are not actually touching, and switches the tablet on.

Aware that she should look away while Lena types in her password but curious as to whether she would be asked to, Alex remains looking, then finds herself confused when she realizes she recognizes it. "Your password is Streaky?"

"Kara's password was Streaky". Lena looks up at Alex. "When she came up with her idea for your present she asked me to be the keeper of it because she knew you'd never find out about it as we weren't friends".

"Yes we were".

"Give me one instance where we spent time together, just the two of us-" As Alex goes to respond, Lena clarifies "-that didn't involve looking for a cure for Sam or babysitting Ruby".

Alex goes to speak again but Lena shakes her head gently. "It's okay that were weren't. You were my best friends big sister, an acquaintance that helped save my friends life, and a member of an organization that helped saved the world. I couldn't expect you to be more".

"Are we friends now?" The news that they hadn't been friends, which probably shouldn't be such a huge surprise to her, bothers Alex more than she likes.

"We're...on the road to it".

Lena feels a warm glow at the knowledge that Alex wants to be her friend, and tries to ignore the part of her that secretly hopes for more. Instead she clicks the button on the tablet to bring up the folder that contains all the video files Kara had been creating before she'd passed away, then hands it over to Alex.

"Before you pass judgment on just how pathetic and alone you are, maybe you should see yourself through the eyes of those that care about you the most".

The files are simply labeled in number order, so Alex starts at the top and clicks on number one.

J'onn, in his Hank form, appears on screen, and Alex immediately feels guilt suffuse her at the way she'd treated him the last time they'd spoken. The background of the video shows they are in Lena's office, a place Alex would never been able to enter without prior permission (unless she had a warrant, which Kara would obviously know about in advance) so would never accidentally stumble across them filming.

"What can I say about Alex Danvers?"

J'onn's eyes sparkle as he looks into the camera, proud Papa-bear grin lighting up his face. "Not only is she the best Agent I have ever worked with, but she is also the sweetest, kindest, and most loving daughter a father could ever ask for. Alex always puts everyone else before herself, and never hesitates to risk her own life when there is someone in trouble. She is a brave warrior, and a true hero".

The words makes Alex cry softly, her heart aching with longing to hug her surrogate father and tell him how sorry she is for all the mean things she said to him.

The next is Winn, his goofy grin beaming out at Alex through the screen.

"Alex...Whew! Alex got me to tell her who Guardian was in about three seconds by throwing me up against a wall and warning me that she knew six different, _very_ painful, ways of getting me to talk..." He rubs the back of his neck and bursts into a fit of giggles, then gestures towards the screen. "...sorry James".

Despite the tears quietly creeping down her cheeks Alex can't help laughing too, remembering how pissed she'd been at Winn at the time, though had loved recounting the story to Kara later.

She clicks through them all, surprised at the sheer volume, and finds that it is because Kara had gone to the effort of universe hopping for it.

"Alex Danvers? Yeah I know her".

The knowing smirk of Sara Lance has Alex suddenly squirming where she sits, uncomfortable about what she might reveal about their time together.

"Our time together was brief, but from it I discovered that she can handle her scotch like a pro, kick Nazi ass even in skirt and heels, but isn't so great in the mornings".

Sara's smile turns genuine now, and the way she is looking directly into the camera, to Alex, feels like she is looking directly at her.

"More importantly, I learned that not only is Alex kind, loyal and courageous, but she is dedicated to the ones she loves with a passion and bravery that most can only envy. I would be proud to call Alex Danvers a Legend, and there is a spot on my ship available for her any time she wants it".

Sara's clip leave Alex slightly stunned; the Time Captains glowing words, and job offer, more than she had ever expected, and she shakes her head in disbelief.

"My impression of Sara was it would be more than a spot on her ship that would be available to you, should you want it". Lena tries and, mostly, succeeds in keeping the jealous tone out of her voice.

"Oh, umm...". Alex runs a hand through her hair then rubs the back of her neck awkwardly. "...we kinda had a drunken one night stand when I went to Earth One for The Flash's wedding".

"Ah, so _that's_ the lucky girl".

At Alex's questioning look Lena elaborates.

"Kara used to tell me as much about her life as she could, but obviously she had to change a number of things given that I didn't know that she was Supergirl. She told me about your drunken encounter, but said it was a woman she didn't know, and I had always wondered who had been the one to catch your eye that evening".

"You thought about it? Me?"

"For someone watching a series of videos where people are saying extraordinarily nice things about them, you still seem to have a rather low opinion of yourself Agent Danvers. Why do you think that is?" Lena raises an eyebrow at her, trying not to let herself be affected by the way Alex seems genuinely baffled as to why Lena might ever think about her.

"Well they kinda had to, Kara told them to say nice stuff". Alex lets out a small chuckle. "You don't exactly say no to the Girl of Steel".

"So that's the only reason, because Kara told them to?"

"She wanted to make me happy".

"Shall we find out what the girl herself thought of you then?"

Before Alex can answer Lena plucks the ipad out of her hands, scrolls down to the last number, and clicks play.

"My sister is the best on _any_ planet, I can tell you that for a **FACT** ".

Alex feels her heart constrict in her chest, and her breath completely disappears the moment the ray of sunshine that is Kara fills the screen. She lets out a strangled moan at the sight, simultaneously delighted and tormented by sight of her beloved sister's bright smile beaming straight at her, and she has to squeeze her eyes shut against the pain it sends racing through her body.

Lena, seeing the reaction Kara's image is causing, silently reaches over and presses pause on the tablet. She then lifts the device from Alex's nerveless fingers, places it down on the roof of the Observatory next to them, and when she turns back she slips her left arm around Alex's shoulder, gently guiding the quietly sobbing woman in to her body.

Alex goes willing, her fingers seeking out the material of Lena's shirt to hold on to, trusting the younger woman to act as her anchor while she is lost to the storm that rages within her.

They sit that way for a countless amount of time, with only the stars to witness as Lena holds Alex in her lap, arms wrapped tightly around her body while Alex sobs into her shoulder, as Lena does her best to absorb some of the pain Alex is releasing. Her hands gently stroke Alex's back as she whispers reassurances to her, making sure Alex knows that she will look after her for as long as she needs, and backs up her words every so often by planting small kisses into Alex's hair.

Even after Alex has cried herself out she remains nestled in Lena's embrace, feeling safer than she can remember being in a long time, comfortable enough to let herself be held properly for the first time since Kara's death. Her hand rests just over Lena's heart and the steady thump beneath her palm is reassuring, but it is the feel of Lena's fingers running through her hair, so gently that it feels like heaven to Alex, that causes her to let out a contented sigh.

"You'll make a great mom".

The out of the blue comment, which triggers many of Lena's own insecurities, startles the raven haired woman, and her hand stills instantly. "Excuse me?"

"No, don't stop. Please". Alex feels ridiculous for pleading, even more so for burrowing deeper into Lena's body in an attempt to get her to start her ministrations again, but the pang of loss she feels the moment Lena stops what she is doing is almost unbearable. She lets out a little whoosh of air in relief as she feels Lena hesitantly start to stroke her hair again, and she whispers a small thank you in to her collarbone before explaining her words.

"The way I was before, when I fell apart. You knew _exactly_ what to do. You didn't hesitant, or have to think about it. You knew I needed help, even though I've done nothing but act like I don't need anybody, and you offered it without asking for anything in return".

"Everybody needs somebody sometimes".

"J'onn, Winn, my mom; they all tried to be there for me, but they just kept making things worse".

"Worse how?"

Alex closes her eyes for a moment and lets Lena's scent surround her, the faint smell of her perfume mixed with the clean smell of her skin soaking into her senses, and she feels the tightness in her chest when thinking about her family relax a little.

"They kept telling me that everything was going to get better, that I would get over this and be happy again. They meant well, but all I could think was 'How can I ever be happy with Kara?', and then _they_ would talk about her. They'd say 'Kara would want you to live your life', or 'Kara wants you to be happy'. 'We mustn't let her have died for nothing', and my personal favorite, 'Think how disappointed Kara would be if she could see you now'. That one was a hoot to hear". Alex sniffles as the pain of remembering Maggie snap those words at her, as she lay on the floor begging her not to walk out the door, flares inside her.

Lena's arm tightens around her in response and she presses her lips to the top of Alex's head as she murmurs. "Unfortunately well-meaning doesn't always mean kind".

"But you-"A small smile appears on Alex's lips despite the tears in her eyes "-you never said any of those things. At Kara's f...on Argo, all you did was wrap your arms around me and say that you had me. You told me that I was safe, I could let it all out, and that you wouldn't let me go. You said that you had enough strength for the both of us, and that you would do whatever I needed to help me through it. You _gave_ me strength instead of taking it, and when I still wasn't able to do my speech, you did it for me".

"Anyone would have done the same..."

"Yet they didn't". Alex doesn't let her dismiss her actions so easily. "My entire family, and every single one of my friends stood and watched me crumble up at that podium, but only you had the heart to do something about it".

"They were grieving too. You can't be too hard on them".

Alex finds it ironic that Lena 'dysfunctional family' Luthor is defending hers so strongly.

"You make it sound like you weren't. You forget, I saw that picture too".

"The whole damn world saw that picture".

Alex feels Lena tense beneath her at the mention of the photo that had gone global.

The one of her cradling Kara's body, head lowered against her chest as she cried in anguish at the death of her closest friend. It had been titled 'A Luthor Mourns A Super – The Picture You Thought You'd Never Live To See!'

Lena had tried everything in her power to try and get it pulled, horrified that her private moment had been splashed across international media circuit for all and sundry to see, but by the time she had become aware of it there had been nothing she could do.

"You loved her too".

Alex's soft voice, slightly roughened by alcohol and emotion, pulls Lena from her introspection.

"Kara was the first person that cared enough to look past the Luthor name and see me for who I was, not what I could do for her". Lena remembers all the times Kara had refused to give up on her, even when everyone else, Lena herself included, had. "I may not have known her as long as most of the people at her funeral had, but I loved her just as deeply".

"I'm sorry I never thanked you for what you did. Getting her body back like that".

"You don't need to thank me". Lena shakes her head slowly, her chin softly brushing across the top Alex's head as she does so. "Kara had saved my life so many times it was the least I could do".

"Why didn't you tell someone about the nanites instead of going down there by yourself? It would have been a lot safer".

"That wasn't really an option. I didn't come up with the idea until I was already halfway there".

"WHAT?" Alex pulls herself out of Lena's arms and twists herself onto her knees so that she can turn and look at Lena fully.

Lena's crosses her arms over her chest to try and shake how empty they suddenly feel, and lifts her chin to look at Alex. "I didn't know I was going to use the nanites until I was already on my way there".

"But you had a plan in place before you left to go face that thing, right? The nanites were just a better one you swapped it out for?"

Empty air hangs between them, as Lena knows better than to lie to Alex, and she watches as the truth sends the redhead to her feet. Alex paces the length of the Observatory roof, which is only six steps each way, as a wave of anger and fear surges through her.

"You're honestly telling me that when you went down there you had no plan, nothing, with which to fight that thing with?"

"Logical thought wasn't exactly my highest priority in that moment".

Alex stops to stare at Lena, the cavalier way she is speaking about what she did almost as shocking as the news itself. "You could have died".

"But I didn't".

"Did you know for certain the nanites would work?"

"They hadn't been tested and I was working on a hypothesis, so no".

"Then why in the name of unholy hell would you go down there?!" Alex can't stand how calm Lena seems to be about her near death experience any longer and feels anger start to stir in her belly as she raises her voice. " _Were you trying to get yourself killed_?"

"I think maybe I was".

"What...?" The honest answer leaves Alex gobsmacked. "Why?"

Lena lets out a humorless chuckle as she hugs her knees to her chest and rests her chin on them. "Why not? Kara was the only that would have genuinely mourned me if I had and she was already gone so..."

"Lena?"

Alex walks over to the now silent woman, who is refusing to make eye contact, and drops back down to her knees, an apologetic expression on her face.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, I shouldn't have".

"I've had plenty of people yell at me over the years, it's water off a ducks back. Or a demons, if you believe what some of the papers say".

Alex hates the pain she can hear in Lena's voice, despite the attempt to mask it with her ice queen facade, as she knows how much the false stories and lies the media fabricate about her hurt the sensitive woman. Kara used to tell her about all the times she'd felt useless, despite having more power than anyone else on Earth, because she couldn't change the worlds perception of her best friend despite having witnessed firsthand, again and again, all the good that Lena put out into it.

Placing her hand on Lena's knee gently, Alex tells her. "Just because something bad happens to you a lot, it doesn't mean you should ever have to get used to it".

Emerald green eyes lift to meet Alex's gaze, confusion swirling in them.

"I turned my fear at the knowledge that I could have lost you too into anger, and then turned that back on you. It was a selfish thing to do, and I shouldn't have done it. I'm really, really sorry".

"Why were you afraid when you found out I could have died? We've already established that we weren't friends then".

"We may not have been friends like you and Kara were, but I still cared about you". Alex squeezes her knee affectionately. "I've been around you enough to know that you are kind, clever, generous, fearless, gracious, confident but never cocky, a little bit of a bad-ass, and a hell of a scientist".

Heat creeps up the back of Lena's neck as she listens to Alex compliment her, the intensity in her voice leaving no doubt in Lena's mind that Alex means every word she says, and she feels unusually shy in the face of such flattery.

"You're a heck of a woman, Lena". Alex smiles sweetly at the blushing woman, finding it endearing how humble she is despite being so incredibly amazing. "This world has already lost Supergirl. It can't afford to lose you too".

With a warm glow in her chest and a lump in her throat from such an avalanche of emotion, Lena doesn't quite know how to respond, so says the only thing she can think of.

"Aren't I the one that's supposed to be making you feel better?"

With an accompanying smile that seems to trigger about a million butterflies in Lena's stomach, Alex lets lose a laugh that echoes out into the night and startles a flock of birds from their roost. She rocks back onto her heels, the belly laugh catching her by surprise just as much as Lena, and she has to dab at her eyes to capture the moisture the intensity of her laughter has triggered.

She takes several deep breaths to try and compose herself again, rubbing at a sore spot high on the right side of her ribcage when she feels a stitch from her exertions, and gives Lena a soft smile. "Trust me, you have. I was in a bad way earlier on, and if you hadn't come along, well...lets just say it's a good thing you managed to make me forget I have a gun strapped to my thigh".

Lena's eyes goes wide and immediately drop to the weapon, which she had noticed earlier but had dismissed because Alex and guns were practically synonymous with each other, seeing it as if for the first time. "Alex..."

"I won't. At least, not tonight". Alex doesn't want to promise Lena anything more than she can deliver, because she knows she is still very damaged. "You were pretty much the last person I expected to turn up here tonight, but as it turns out you were the very person I needed".

The words touch Lena tremendously, though her heart is yet to recover from the shock that Alex had been thinking about ending her own life tonight, and she knows she needs to prove to Alex that she can count on her whenever she needs.

"Earlier this evening you asked me if we were friends yet, and I said we were on the road to it".

Lena stands and walks over to Alex, holding her hand out to help the slightly taller woman to her feet too. Once facing each other Lena gently places her hand on Alex's cheek, her thumb against stroking without being given permission, as she smiles softly at Alex.

"Tonight I have had the most raw, open, and honest encounter of my life. What I've shared with you, Alex, I've shared with no other, not even your sister, so I definitely consider us friends now. You saw what losing one friend did to me, and I really don't want to lose another-" Lena knows the words are a low blow by the way Alex sucks in a sharp breath, but the icy terror that runs through her at the thought of being without Alex as well as Kara forces her to continue "-so I will make you this promise. I promise that I will be there for you, whenever you need me, no matter what time of the day or where in the world I might be. If you need me, I _will_ be there. Do you understand?"

Alex opens her mouth to protest, Lena can read it in her eyes and the set of her shoulders, so stops her before she can begin.

"This is a promise I am giving to you. One I will not break. Do you understand that?"

Alex studies her for a moment, seeing how deadly serious Lena is, before letting her shoulders fall in quiet resignation at the acknowledgment that she is not going to win this argument.

"I understand".

"Can you then promise me in return that, if you ever again feel like you did tonight, you will call me before you do anything...permanent?"

Because she is looking directly at her when she says it, Alex sees the pain that flashes across Lena's face at the thought of Alex harming herself, and she feels guilty for lumbering Lena with all her baggage when she clearly has a ton of her own. "It's very kind of you but you really don't have to..."

"I _want_ to".

The depth of emotion in Lena's voice gives Alex pause, and she finds the thought of Lena being there for her, no matter how bad things get, incredible reassuring. So, instead of coming up with more reasons to say no to her again, Alex simply nods. "I promise".

The look of relief that comes over Lena's face is not lost on Alex, and she feels glad she is able to give her some peace of mind.

"A deal is never official until you shake on it, Agent Danvers".

Lena holds out her right hand, the serious tone of her voice offset by the sparkle in her eyes, and Alex can't help smiling at the unexpected irreverent side she's discovered in the normally serious woman. Biting the inside of her lip to try and hold back the smile that wants to break free, Alex takes the proffered hand in her own.

"I made you a promise Miss Luthor, and a promise made by a Danvers is unbreakable".

The feel of of Alex's hand in her own, the work roughened palm against her skin, sparks a shiver to run down her spine as she pictures the capable hands on other, far more sensitive parts of her body, and has Lena fighting to keep her thoughts from showing on her face. "That is very reassuring to know".

Seeing the shiver but mistaking its intent, Alex drops her hand so she can indicate towards the ladder. "It's pretty late and the temperature is dropping fairly rapidly, we should probably get your tent set up".

"Tent?"

A sinking feeling settles in the pit of Alex's stomach at the questioning look Lena gives her. "Yeah. The tent you clearly brought with you because you knew you'd need it to sleep in, as there are no habitable residences within tent kilometers of here, which is exactly why this Observatory was built all the way out here".

"Oh". Lena looks sheepish. "Does it make it better or worse if I say that I didn't even pack a torch, let alone a tent?"

"You came all the way out here, totally unprepared, not knowing if I was even going to be here. You could have been in real trouble".

Alex wants to chastise her for her rash actions, but Lena's next words make it hard for her.

"When I heard you were missing I didn't really stop to think. I knew the others would have looked in your usual haunts and this was the first place that popped into my head, so I literally just stopped at home to change clothes and grab Kara's tablet before coming straight here".

The thought that Lena was so concerned about her that she didn't stop to think about logistics long enough to even pick up a torch is both endearing and exasperating to Alex, and she can't decide whether to be cross at her or not. In the end she simply shakes her head in frustrated befuddlement and holds her hand out. "Looks it's going to be a cozy night then, roomie".

She helps Lena across to the ladder and ensures shes able to descend without problem before returning to clear up the bottles, leaving no evidence of their presence behind, then quickly shins her way down too. Once on the ground she looks up to find Lena observing her with an amused smile on her face, and quirks an eyebrow at her. "What?"

The way Alex had slid down the ladder: fingerless gloved hands loosely cupping the bars to keep her steady, knees slightly bent, and with her weight braced so that the inside seam of her boots run down the metal, is such a carefree little moment to witness that it fills Lena's heart with hope that all is not lost for Alex.

At the question, Lena inclines her head towards the ladder. "Forever the action-hero, huh Agent Danvers".

Alex, unaware that she'd done the exact thing she and Kara used to do every time they'd left here until Lena had pointed it out, runs a hand through her hair self consciously. "Mom banned Kara from flying because there was too big a risk of people finding out about her, so I taught her how to slide down ladders as a way to try and get a little of that feeling back".

The memory brings a smile to Alex's face but, to her surprise, her tears remain at bay.

It is the first time she has been able to think of Kara without crying, and she feels slightly startled by the development. On the one hand it gives her hope that maybe she _can_ move forward with her life and find a day where she can actually not want to self destruct with every waking moment, but it also feels slightly disloyal to Kara to be thinking about being okay without her.

"...and I told Kara straight out how badly I wanted to take you".

"You, er...what? You...you wanted to _take_ me?" Alex is pretty sure she zoned out for the first half of Lena's sentence, and feels a flush of embarrassment as the words she hears send a spark of arousal straight through her.

"As a sibling". Lena clarifies. "For a while. But I no longer feel that way about you now".

"Oh. I see".

Alex doesn't see anything, totally clueless as her mind spins in confusion about her unexpected reaction to Lena's innocent comment, but knows that she needs to say something to try and cover up the fact that she is suddenly picturing her sisters best friend in a whole new light. Of course, Alex has no way of knowing that the only reason Lena no longer wants her as a sibling is because the feelings she's developed for the older Danvers are anything _but_ sisterly.

"So, you mentioned you have a tent?"

Lena is looking at her expectantly and all Alex can do is point in the general direction as she groans internally at the image of sharing her, very small, two person tent with the woman she has just realized she has feelings for.


	2. Chapter 2

Death is not the end - Chapter 2

"Get in".

Lena's voice rings out in the dark, killing the hope Alex had been harboring that the C.E.O had finally fallen asleep, and she stills her surreptitious attempts to warm her chilled feet immediately.

"It's fine. Go back to sleep".

There is a ruffle as Lena moves within the sleeping bag, and then the unmistakable sound of a zipper being pulled sounds in the small space.

"Alexandra Danvers, I will _not_ lay quietly by while you get frostbite out of some far reaching sense of chivalry, when this sleeping bag is perfectly adequate to hold the both of us". Lena's voice is low and stern, but still has warmth to it. "It was very noble of you to offer me your bed, your gallantry is noted and appreciated, but there is no sense in you getting sick when the answer is as simple us sharing a bed for the night".

"I...I just..."

Sharing a tent with Lena has been a stressful enough event on Alex already as, soon after her revelatory moment about her feelings for the young business women earlier, she'd realized that Lena intended to sleep in just her underwear.

"I didn't bring pajamas and I'm certainly not sleeping in an under-wired bra" had been the reply to Alex's panicked _"What in the heck are you doing?!"_ cry when, after offering her the sleeping bag and turning away to prep an area of the floor to sleep on, Alex had turned back to find Lena already half naked and in the process of unhooking herself.

"Is the cold floor honestly more preferable than sharing a sleeping bag with me?"

There is a hint of something in Lena's voice that sounds suspiciously like self doubt, as if she could honestly believe Alex would rather be shivering half to death on the floor than pressed up against her gorgeously naked body, and it makes Alex frown in wonder at the cause.

"I just didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. What with you being...unclothed, and my...sexual orientation..." Alex can feel herself going bright red as she stutters out her explanation, and is grateful for the absolute darkness hiding her.

"Do you plan to have sex with me without my consent? Or touch me inappropriately while I sleep?"

"WHAT?"

If Alex had been sitting on a bed, she would have just fallen out of it.

"NO! Of course not! I would _never_ do that Lena, you know I wouldn't!"

"And I believe you, so there is absolutely no reason not get into bed with me this instant".

With no argument left, Alex reluctantly has to concede that Lena is right, so shuffles her way over to her on hands and feet.

"Take your top and pants off".

"What now?"

"Your circulation has been compromised by the cold, leaving your core temperature dangerously low-" a warm hand sneaks out of the dark to wrap around Alex's forearm, confirming how cold her body is "-I could hear your teeth chattering for at least an hour, despite your protestations that you were fine. We need to warm you up quickly, and transference of human body heat works best with direct skin to skin contact".

"You want me to get into there with you, naked?"

Alex feel faint at the prospect.

"You can leave your panties on, but everything else should be removed if we are to get you warmed up properly".

Lena knows what she is proposing is going to be tortuous for herself, but she just can't stand the thought of Alex spending one more second shivering in the cold because of her.

"Once you are warm you can put your clothes back on if you prefer, but right now you are in danger of getting hypothermia so please, do as I say?"

Alex hears the genuine note of concern in Lena's voice, concern for her welfare, so nods her acquiescence. "Okay".

The soft sound of clothes being shed fills the air, and Lena's mouth goes dry as her mind suddenly takes flight. She knows that Alex works out a lot, and her tactical outfits hug her body in a way that make it plain that she is in exceptional shape, so it isn't difficult for her overheated imagination to conjure up images of Alex pulling her T shirt over her head to reveal a taut torso, and slipping her pants down smooth strong thighs.

When Alex announces that she is ready, Lena has to swallow several times to try and get some moisture back into her mouth before she can answer. "I think it would work best if we put your back to my front".

Alex isn't sure of that at all, but mutters under her breath "You're the boss" as she awkwardly slips into the sleeping bag.

The sleeping bag is roomy for one, but snug for the pair, and their bodies are well and truly pressed together once the zipper is done up. They lay on their sides, completely still for a few seconds, each lost in their own internal freakouts at having to be so intimate with the other; but the moment is broken when a violent shiver runs through Alex's body and Lena instinctively wraps her arms around her in response. She curls around Alex like it is the most natural thing in the world, her right arm wrapping around her waist and resting just below her breasts, while her left sneaks underneath her body to encircle her in a hug. Lena's body presses against the length of Alex's back, trying to connect as much as possible to ensure Alex warms as fast as she can, and hooks her right leg over Alex's hip so her thigh and leg is covered too.

The move takes Alex by complete surprise; not only because can she feel Lena's hard nipples pressing against her back and her warm breath on the nape of her neck, but because she is so unused to being the vulnerable one in most situations.

When she had first came out, Maggie had been the more experienced person in their relationship and she'd had to concede a lot of the power in their dynamic simply because she'd no idea what to expect, which hadn't been easy a lot of the time.

But letting someone care for her like this, see her this broken, is a completely different kind of vulnerability altogether.

If someone had told Alex six months ago that _Lena Luthor_ would be the one to hold her in her darkest moments, Alex would have laughed them out the room, or tasered them. Yet in this moment, she could think of no one else that could come close to matching even a tenth of the genuine compassion and caring she has seen Lena show towards her recently.

The thought astounds Alex, yet comforts her too, which makes it possible for her to sink into the warm embrace holding her secure and she is able to fall asleep within minutes.

Lena feels it as Alex drifts off, the subtle change in her breathing as it shifts into a slow and even rhythm, and she smiles softly against the soft skin of Alex's shoulder as peace claims the troubled woman.

It takes Lena a lot longer to fall asleep, as she is so enthralled by Alex that her mind is on overdrive despite her attempts to switch it off. Without moving she can tell that the shoulder bones under her chin are more pronounced than they should be; that even though Alex is taking better care of herself than she had been in the first few weeks after Kara's death, she is still not back to full health, probably because she is still drinking more than she should. She can also feel the raised ridge of a healed scar beneath her fingertips where they rest on the left side of Alex's ribcage, and Lena can't stop herself from moving her index finger a millimeter each way, rubbing back and forth over it, infinitesimally, as she ponders which heroic deed Alex was doing when she received it.

After Lena had found out the truth about the DEO, and Alex's role in it, Kara had been more honest with her about all the times Alex had helped Supergirl save National City.

Lena had spent many evenings listening to Kara enthuse about her incredibly brave big sister, who was always leaping into harms way without a thought to herself in order to take down the bad guys, despite having none of the powers that Supergirl had to protect herself.

Here in the darkness, Lena felt it was safe to admit that she'd always had a bit of a crush on Alex. Impossible not to really, given that the very first time she'd met her was when Alex had saved her life, and it had only grown the more she'd learned about her. Brave, smart, kind, loyal, humble... she was everything Lena had ever yearned for, but also totally out of reach, or so she'd thought.

When Kara had told her about Alex coming out to her, Lena had nearly choked on her wine, spluttering like a schoolboy taking his first sip of scotch, and causing a few curious looks from their fellow diners.

Her less than graceful reaction to the news had given Kara a moments pause, as she had then asked Lena if she was okay with gay people, prompting Lena to immediately sponsor that years LGBT+ Pride Parade in National City (with Alex and Maggie lead VIPs on L-Corps entry) as a way of reassuring her best friend that she was indeed supportive of the queer community; as well as forcing Lena to re-evaluate her own honesty about her sexuality.

Lena already knew she was attracted to women. She had been all her life. She had just never acted upon it.

Growing up as a Luthor, she had been made aware of the lifestyle she was expected to lead from a very early age, and being gay most definitely didn't fit into that lifestyle.

She remembers overhearing a conversation, or rather an argument, between her mother and Lex, one evening when he'd once again been trying to convince her about Superman.

" _Oh for Gods sake, Alexander!"_

 _Lillian's voice drips with loathing, the belittling tone she has honed to perfection making the normally confident man flinch under it. "The staff are going to start thinking you are hot under the collar for this Kent boy if you keep harping on after him this way, and you know I won't allow you to besmirch the Luthor name in such a disgusting manner"._

" _Mother, if you'd just look..."_

" _I AM looking". Eyes as hard as icebergs cut through her son, pinning him in place. "I love you dearly Lex, and you are the only hope to carry on the Luthor name in the manner befitting our standing, yet the obsession you have developed with this Clark Kent seems to be one borne out of lust rather than logic"._

" _Look at his eyes, his lips...!"_

" _This pathetic attempt of your to convince me of your reasoning sounds exactly like your Father when he was trying to justify his affair with that little trollop". Lena flinches behind the door, the venom in Lillian's voice so sharp as she talks that she can practically feel it sink into her flesh. "You even sound like him when he was begging me to to take the little bastard into my home because her bitch of a mother decided to roll over and die"._

" _Clark IS Superman, I know it. If I can just get my hands on him..."_

" _You will not put your hands anywhere near that man!" The sound of a hard slap echoes through the room, and a bitter silence holds until Lillian's authoritative voice resumes. "The Luthor's are held in high regard, so this...perversion, will not stand. It needs to be dealt with quickly, and quietly before it gets any worse. I know of a clinic that has a good reputation, high clearance rates for its conversions of people with tendencies like yourself. We'll get you booked in straight away"._

Lex had been gone for three months, shipped off to a private gay conversion institution, and when he had returned he had been very different. Quieter, more insular, but had stopped mentioning Clark or Superman so at first Lillian had been convinced he was cured and had relaxed. By the time she had realized he hadn't stopped, and had in fact gone over the edge with it, it had been too late to stop him, and instead of blaming herself for her part in his fall, she'd blamed Superman instead.

The experience had taught Lena to bury her own homosexual leanings, not daring to risk her mother shipping her off to a facility too, and she had become so used to dating men, whom she never had to worry about risking her heart with because she could never feel that deeply for, that it wasn't until now, and her attraction to Alex, that she'd had to reflect upon her life choices.

"Dammit Danvers, what are you doing to me?"

The whispered question floats out into the darkness as Lena lowers her forehead to rest upon the top of Alex's spine, finally allowing herself to succumb to the warmth of Alex's body and drift off to sleep.

Light filters into the tent gently, mottled by the leaves on the trees overhead, rousing Alex slowly from her sleep.

She groans at the intrusion and flexes her arm with the intention of moving it to cover her eyes, but then finds her eyes pinging open in shock at the discovery that it is pinned beneath a warm body.

"Oh jeez..."

Alex finds herself short of breath, for at some point in the night, the duo have managed to find enough room within the sleeping bag to shift so that Alex is now laying with her back against the floor, and Lena is practically sleeping on top of her.

Lena's right leg is now draped across Alex's body, her knee resting against Alex's left hip, and her head is nestled into Alex's right shoulder. Alex could cope with most of that, but the fact that Lena's hand is currently resting atop her right breast is an image she doesn't quite know how to deal with, and has her quietly panicking as tendrils of desire start to creep through her body.

Even in her sleepy state Lena feels the body beneath her go rigid, and it draws her into consciousness enough for her to register the new position she and Alex are in. Blinking a few times to clear the sleep from her eyes she looks up at the woman above her and gives her a small, drowsy smile. "Morning".

""Umm, yeah".

Lena frowns as she notes the strange look on Alex's face and sits up slightly, unconsciously leaning on her right hand for leverage as she does. "What's wrong?"

Alex's face goes from slightly pained to totally freaked out as Lena's fingers accidentally caress her nipple, which send fireworks of pleasure straight to places she should absolutely _not_ be feeling while this unclothed and pressed against Lena, and she can't help squeaking out "Hand, Lena. Hand!" while scrabbling to disengage herself from their connection.

Lena looks down at her hand and flushes red the instant she sees what shes done, feeling the guilt that shes done the very thing she asked Alex if she was going to do to her last night, and she rips her hand away like she been burned. She finds the zip and is out of the bag a second later, coming to a stop with her knees on the hard ground as she faces away from the flustered Agent.

"I...I'm so sorry, Alex". Lena wraps her arms around her waist, the disgust and self loathing she has to fight on a daily basis to keep at bay once again crowding in. "I honestly didn't know that my hand was there, but I understand that that sounds like a lame excuse any creep would use in this situation. I will leave now".

To prove her words true Lena reaches for her shorts and quickly slips her legs into the denim, hiking them up and securing them around her waist before reaching for her bra.

"Wait!"

Hand frozen, Lena stops at the sound of Alex's voice.

"I know you're not a creep".

Lena pulls her hand back into her lap, lacing her fingers together nervously. "That's reassuring to know".

"It's just...been a while, since I've been with anyone, and after last night I think I was craving affection so my body was a little more...sensitive, than usual so when I felt your hand, there..."

Alex blows out a deep breath, not finding it easy to regulate her emotions, especially while the delectable expanse of Lena's bare back is on full display, and turns to pull her own shirt over her head as a defense. "Look, I don't want you to go, but could you maybe put your shirt on though. I know neither of us are creeps but you're still a ridiculously gorgeous woman, and I'm only human".

The compliment is so out of the blue, and sounds so reluctantly made, that Lena can't help believing it to be genuine, and flushes immediately. Foregoing her bra for the moment she instead wraps herself in her flannel shirt, buttoning it up enough to ensure the fact she is bra-less isn't identifiable, then rolls the sleeves up her forearms. Once covered she turns to face Alex, who is now dressed in her T shirt and pants from last night, though Lena notes the gun is missing from her thigh, and the pair smile cautiously at each other.

"Breakfast?"

Alex holds up two granola bars, and Lena can't help laughing. "You really know how to spoil a girl".

"I've been told my cooking leaves a lot to be desired, so packaged is probably safer".

Alex tosses one of the bars to Lena before moving to open the tent and stepping out into the mid morning sun. She stands up and stretches, feeling her muscles pop from sleeping on the hard packed ground, then hears a rustle behind her as Lena exits the tent too.

They settle onto a couple of large logs that Alex drags over and tear open their bars, eating in compatible silence for a few minutes before Lena decides to admit something.

"I had to pay a private chef to teach me how to cook scrambled eggs".

Alex looks surprised at the confession, but remains quiet as she senses there is more and simply nods for Lena to continue.

"Last night you said you thought I would make a good mom, do you remember?"

Alex remembers the moment, and Lena's reaction to it. "I believe I said you would make a _great_ mom, but you didn't seem to believe me".

The way Alex gently corrects her, reinforcing her belief in her ability to be a mom, is sweet and touches Lena, even as she struggles to believe it.

"The way I was raised, it wasn't a great example of motherhood. I never learned what it meant to be a good parent, or got taught any life skills that aided in becoming the kind of person that could provide for another. The Luthor's had an entire team of staff to do everything for them, and I literally wasn't allowed in our kitchen as my mother thought it was unbecoming to fraternize with the hired help. I grew up not knowing how to boil an egg, and one of my fears was that I would never be a good mother because I didn't know how to cook healthy, nutritious meals for kids".

Alex watches as Lena struggles to verbalize her fears, never having said them aloud before, and feels her heart ache for how alone Lena must have felt growing up.

"I don't know whether I will ever have kids, that all depends on finding the right...person-" Her eyes flick to Alex for a brief moment before dropping again "-but I wanted to makes sure that if I ever did I would be as well equip as possible, so I took cooking lessons".

When Alex doesn't respond Lena looks up at her, only to find the redhead with a dazzling smile on her face, aimed directly at her. "See. Great mom".

They head home shortly after, Alex breaking the tent down and packing it away with an expertise Lena can only envy but, after mentioning how hopeless she is at all things outdoors due to her Mother's aversion to 'roughing it', she feels a bubble of hope well up in her when Alex promises to show her how to put up a tent properly the next time they go camping.

Lena knows that the fact Alex is able to mention a future event, and actually sound like she might be looking forward to it, is a huge deal for her right now, and she can't help the huge smile that overtakes her at hearing it.

Lena's reaction to her comment throws Alex for a moment, but when she stops and thinks about what she's just said she understands why. She shakes her head and smiles back at Lena, slightly in awe that within the space of a day she had gone from thinking the darkest of thoughts possible to picturing herself camping with Lena Luthor, and knows that it could only be because of the support the stoic businesswomen has shown her.

"Don't get too excited-" Alex bumps her hip into Lena's playfully "- next time I'll make sure to pack TWO sleeping bags".

Lena lets out a pretend growl of annoyance at being bumped and tries to bump her back, which manages to do nothing as Alex is ready for her and moves out of the way before she is able to connect.

"Oh, it's going to be like _that,_ is it Danvers?"

Lena raises a questioning eyebrow at Alex, who chuckles at the challenge she sees weighed at her.

"Bring it if you think you can. Little Luthor".

There is a momentary shift in Lena's expression, one that give Alex a second to think 'uh oh, what did I unleash?' before the DEO agent finds her legs disappearing out from underneath her and she is connecting with the ground. Hard.

"Holy Guacamole, that hurt!" Alex groans as the poles from the tent jab into her ribs, the unwieldy backpack she has just landed on only partially cushioning her fall, and she wiggles her legs like a stuck tortoise for a few seconds before she manages to unclip the straps from around her waist and roll herself free.

She looks up at Lena who, with arms crossed loosely over her body and hip cocked as she stares down at her with a satisfied smile on her face, is a vision of smugness.

She lifts her hands, spreading her arms wide to gesture at the tactical leg sweep Lena just pulled off. "Where the hell did _that_ come from?"

"You told me to bring it-" a perfectly shaped eyebrow quirks upwards "-so I did".

Shaking her head as she gets to her feet Alex has to admit that she did throw the challenge out there, she just wasn't expecting quite such a powerful response.

"Okay, you're going to have to explain this one to me, because if cooking lessons weren't on the list of Luthor approved things to learn at finishing school, I very much doubt Lillian signed off on combat training for the littlest Luthor".

Lena suddenly loses her confident air, the question causing her to drop her arms in favor of stuffing her hands into the back pockets of her shorts instead. "Kara taught me, actually".

Alex, who had been bending down to retrieve the backpack, straightens up so fast Lena flinches in concern she might damage something in her back, and stares at her in shock. "What?"

Unable to hold Alex's intense stare, Lena drops her gaze to the ground and kicks at the forest debris with the toe of her boot.

"I can hold my own, generally. I've been in a few scraps in my life, I'm a Luthor after all-" She lets out a humorless laugh at the memory of how many times her family name had caused her strife during her formative years, mainly from people who had been hurt by her ruthless relatives "-but Kara thought, given the number of attempts on my life since I moved to National City, it would be a good idea if I learned a few, advanced, moves".

Lena flicks her eyes up and sees that Alex is studying her, a slightly pained expression on her face as the topic is Kara, but also curious as this is something she hadn't known her sister had done.

"She said you'd taught her how to fight hand to hand and wanted to pass on a few tips, so showed me some ways to bring down an assailant. We only sparred a few times, and it was always spur of the moment as Kara would turn up at my office and tell me that we had to do it there and then; which I found totally bizarre at the time, but I guess she must have been weak on Kryptonite or something as I actually managed to give her a bloody nose one time..."

"When?"

Lena frown at Alex's interruption. "Pardon me?"

"When was the last time you sparred?"

"A few days before the Beast appeared, which I feel guilty for now because I realize it was directly after she'd spent three days battling that huge super volcano that erupted in Thailand and destroyed thousands of homes".

"What about the time before that?"

"Just after Supergirl - Kara stopped that shape-shifting horde from invading".

The two dates connect in Alex's head, and she lets out a bark of laughter. "Kara, you sneaky little shit!"

Feeling completely lost Lena edges towards Alex. "Care to share the missing piece of the puzzle?"

Alex smiles at the confused look on Lena's face even as she shakes her head lightly at Kara's sneakiness. "She wasn't weak. She was powerless".

"I beg your pardon?"

Alex reaches for the backpack again and shrugs into it, content to resume walking as she explains.

"Every now and again, when Kara or Clark-" She throws a sidelong glance at Lena "-I take it you've connected the dots about Superman's identity by now?"

"I've known about Clark since way before Lex went to prison".

Lena, falls into step by Alex's side, but at the questioning look she rolls her eyes.

"Lillian thought my brother's obsession with Superman stemmed from the fact that he was secretly in love with Clark Kent and, by proving that Clark was really Superman, it would somehow validate his 'unnatural' feelings for a man because it was The Man of Steel he was lusting after, because half the planet, male or female were doing exactly the same thing. However, she didn't want a gay child, so had him shipped off to a gay conversion camp".

"That's terrible". Alex is shocked, and actually feels genuine compassion for Lex Luthor, something she never thought possible

"That's Lillian". Lena grits her teeth as she thinks about how different life might have been had Lex not been to that awful place. "However, I believed Lex, so set out for myself to find proof, tangible proof that would convince her beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lex wasn't lying, and could come home".

"And you found it?"

Lena nods, sadly. "I did, but it took too long. Clark was very careful, methodical about ensuring he stayed in character at all times. It took me months before I managed to catch him out, film him using his heat vision to warm up the water in the bath in his apartment, from the rooftop of the adjoining building. By which time Lex had been released from the center and too far into his psychosis to be saved".

"Why did you never say anything, to anyone. " Alex asks, puzzled. "Not even to Clark when he was harassing you about the space shuttle thing?"

"I have been tempted, if only see the smug look wiped off his face at the realization that I know, but to honest, in all my time following him about, I discovered that he is a genuinely decent man-" Lena shrugs "- and this world is a better place with him in it. Though when I found out Kara was his cousin I must confess I was curious to know if she was Supergirl. Which she didn't help by saying things like she flew to my office on a bus!"

Alex chuckles at that. "My sister, the queen of the idiots".

"I was wanted to know for sure, and I admit that I tried to find out, through less than honest means, if she was".

"What kind of means?"

Lena is relieved to hear that Alex doesn't sound cross at her confession, merely curious.

"I asked her test out my prototype alien fingerprint scanner, which she somehow managed to fool despite the billions I'd invested in it. I also invited both her and Supergirl to my fund-raising Gala to see if I could get them to be in the same place at the same time".

"You never thought about just _asking_ her the truth?"

"Only about a thousand time a day". Lena rolls her eyes. "But each time I tried, the words got stuck in my throat".

"Why?"

"I guess I was scared".

"Of?"

Alex doesn't try to push too hard as, thanks to Kara's insights about the naturally reticent woman, she knows a few carefully placed words can help encourage her along when a whole sentence would fail.

"History repeating itself".

Those three quietly spoken words tell Alex everything Lena can't say, and she immediately pivots so she is in front of the pensive woman. "Hey stop that!"

The abrupt movement catches Lena off guard and she walks straight into Alex before she can stop herself, causing Alex to let out a squawk of pain when she ends up getting headbutted in the nose for her troubles.

Lena's hands fly up to cover her mouth as she stares at Alex in shock, her eyes wide and beseeching."Oh my gosh, Alex, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay". Though slightly muffled by her hands, Alex's reply is genuine. "It's my fault for surprising you like that".

"Are you okay?"

Alex gives her nose a test wiggle then, when she doesn't feel any pain, drops her hands and gives Lena a reassuring smile. "Yeah, you don't seem to have permanently damaged me, this time".

"Oh, thank goodness for that".

Lena lets out a relieved sigh then, upon seeing an amused smirk on Alex's face, turns a confused frown her way. "Exactly what about that whole scenario is amusing to you Agent Danvers?"

"Well, before you bumped into me I turned to you with the intention of trying to convince you that you were nothing like Lex and that there was no way in hell you would have ever hurt Kara, even if you had discovered that she was Supergirl back when you were first getting to know her-" Alex lets out a hearty chuckle "-but I think we just proved it was never the younger Danver sibling you were dangerous to".

The flush of of red that shoots across Lena's pale cheeks is incredibly endearing to Alex, and shows a level of vulnerability the hardened businesswoman is still capable of.

"I'm still a Luthor, and seeing as Kara never told me she must have thought, on some level, there was a chance that I might have..."

"NO".

Alex speaks firmly as she steps forward again and places her hands on Lena's shoulders, not allowing her to finish her sentence. The forcefulness is enough to stop Lena in her tracks, her bottom lip dropping open in surprise as she looks up at Alex questioningly.

"Kara _never_ thought that-"Alex gentles her tone as she sees the doubt in Lena's eyes, still so unsure of her own self worth "-and I can tell you right now that I personally witnessed her stand up for you, when all the evidence said different, to her friends and loved ones because she knew in her heart that you were a good person".

"She did?"

The childlike wonder in Lena's voice is heartbreaking to Alex, because it tells her that Lena isn't used to having people stand up for her, and she silently thanks her sister for being able to see what the world refuses to.

"The _only_ reason she didn't tell you was because she knew how much you hated being lied to, and was convinced that you would never speak to her again if you ever found out; a sentiment your own mother reinforced quite gleefully-" Alex's face turns sour as she remembers how hurt Kara had been recounting the way Lillian's eyes had sparked at the thought of the as yet theoretical moment "-and frankly, after the way you cold shouldered Supergirl after learning she asked James to check your vault for Kryptonite when we were dealing with Reign, it was hard not to believe it could happen".

"I would never have done that to Kara!"

Lena's denial is too quick, too sharp, and even she can hear the hollowness to it as she snaps it out. It forces her to drops her head and hunch her shoulders in shame as she admits "I _would_ have done that, because that's what I do when I get hurt. I shut down and push people away".

A gentle finger cupping her chin encourages, but doesn't force, her to raise her eyes, and when she does, it is to find an understanding smile waiting for her.

"Kara lied because she didn't want to disappoint you, but she also _hated_ that she couldn't be completely honest with you. She hated it every single day, and it was one of her biggest regrets. Please know that".

The quiet kindness in Alex's voice is too much, and tears being to bubble up in Lena's eyes as her emotions start to overwhelm her. When strong, yet gentle, arms softly wrap around her shoulders and pull her against a warm and solid chest, Lena gratefully sinks into the comforting embrace, wrapping her own arms awkwardly around Alex's waist and the backpack in an attempt to anchor herself to the steadying presence. She buries her damp eyes against the curve of Alex's neck as she sniffles hard, trying to hold back the deluge threatening to fall, and manages around the lump in her throat. "I miss her so, so much".

Alex tightens her hold around Lena's shoulders, feeling the way the body in her arms is trembling, and drops her lips down to graze against Lena's temple as she murmurs "I know, sweetie. Me too".

"I just wish she'd trusted me more".

Alex hears the quiet words, almost whispered into her clavicle, and pulls back to look down at the woman that uttered them. "Kara _did_ trust you, Little Luthor, and the proof of this was demonstrated not too long ago when you knocked me flat on my ass".

Lena gazes up at Alex through watery eyes, the adorable crease in the middle of her forehead an indication to the smitten Agent that the confused businesswomen doesn't see how the two items connect, and she smiles at her gently.

"All the times Kara sparred with you, she was the most vulnerable she could ever be in her life".

The crease deepens at Alex's words, confusion apparent on Lena's face.

"Occasionally, when Kara or Clark push their abilities too hard, they temporarily max out their powers. Clark calls it a solar flare, because he's a big old nerd-" Alex is gratified to see that her small jab at Kara's cousin raises a smile on Lena's face "-but basically it means they're rendered as powerless a human. With all the vulnerabilities and weaknesses that come with it. More so if you take in to account the fact that they have don't have to cope as a human on a day to day basis. I mean, you saw for yourself how Kara struggled when we went into the Dark Valley to find Sam".

"I never thought about it like that before, but looking back it makes perfect sense". Lena's brow clears at the realization.

"Apart from when she was exposed to Kryptonite, those are pretty much the only times that Kara could be killed-" a muscle in Alex's cheek ticks, and she has to take a moment to regain her calm at the thought of Kara being dead before she can continue "-but instead of staying safe inside the DEO like I instructed her to, or watching Netflix in her apartment like she told me she was,-" Alex rolls her eyes at the lie Kara obviously told her to escape the DEO, causing Lena to let out a little chuckle "-she trusted you enough to get physical with her".

The way Alex suddenly pales as she realizes whats she's said, or rather the _way_ she's said it, would have been comical to Lena if she hadn't have been distracted by thoughts of getting physical with the Danver sister in her arms right now, but is pulled back into the moment when Alex starts stammering.

"I...I didn't mean...that! I meant the sweaty kind of physical. Oh crap, that's even worse! I didn't mean _sex_. With Kara. I didn't meant to imply that you were having sex with with Kara. My sister. Not that there would be anything wrong with that if you had been, of course. Because sex between women is great. As I should know! It just that it would have be a surprise if you two were-" Alex suddenly looks fortified, and her eyes widen almost comically wide as she lets go of Lena and steps back to stare at her in horror "- not that Kara wanting to have sex with you should be a surprise because you are, without a shadow of a doubt, an insanely gorgeous woman and anyone with a pulse would be mad not to fancy the hell out of you and my sister, though tending to lean towards the male side of the species, had a fine appreciation of the female form..."

"I was not having sex with your sister".

Lena feels it necessary to interrupt the ever reddening woman before she bursts a blood vessel, and doesn't know whether to be insulted or not by the relief that floods Alex's face at the news.

"I did think about it every now and then though".

"What?!" Alex almost swallows her tongue in shock at Lena's admission, the strangled exclamation a perfect reflection of the look of stupefaction on her face.

Lena laughs at her reaction and shrugs lightly, acting like she hadn't just admitted something pretty huge. "You obviously couldn't see it because she was your sister, but Kara was a hottie".

"You fancied Kara?" Eyes wide and heart slightly crushed by the news, Alex stares at Lena in shock.

"I may have had a crush on her for a little while". Lena admits. "It's hard not to develop a thing for something attractive after they've saved your life, especially when they're incredibly nice to boot".

Aware that she could be talking about both Danver siblings, Lena manages to maintain a neutral expression as she is aware of how closely Alex is studying her right now.

"Why didn't you ever do anything about it and ask her out?" It hurts to ask, but Alex figures that's why curiosity ended up killing the cat.

"I may like to wallow in a little self indulgent misery every now and again, but I'm not a total masochist". Lena scoffs at the question, suddenly wishing she is at home where she would be able to get her hands on a large glass of something red and alcoholic.

"What do you mean?"

"It means that I don't enjoy inflicting pain on myself". Lena sighs heavily. "I knew Kara would agree to the date just so she didn't hurt my feelings, despite not feeling the same way about me, and we would have had a sham of a date instead of a real one; which would have been infinitely worse than her just saying no".

"Why would it have been worse?" Alex can see Lena has withdrawn into herself a little and feels bad for asking the intrusive question, but is genuinely curious and wants to keep her talking to try and draw her back out.

"Picture everything you've ever wanted in a person; kind, thoughtful, sweet, honest, funny, charming, gorgeous...and imagine how elated you would be if that person agreed to go on a date with you". Lena turns introspective eyes downwards. "Then picture knowing that they didn't feel the same as you, and the only reason they were there was because they didn't want to hurt your feelings".

Alex, who has been swept up in the emotive swell of Lena's smoky voice and is picturing the woman herself as her date, feels her stomach drop at the idea that Lena would only agree to a date with her so as to not hurt her feelings, nods in understanding. "Yeah, I see your point".

"Besides, the more time I spent with Kara, the more I realized we were too incompatible for a relationship".

Feeling immediately defensive of her little sister, Alex bristles at the implications that Kara was in some way lacking. "What do you mean? Kara was always there for you whenever you needed help".

"Exactly". Self loathing tugs on Lena once again. "I was the dark constantly diminishing her light".

Alex can hear the pain inside the words, how much hate Lena is directing towards herself, and her heart aches for the vulnerable child that got so damaged growing up inside the Luthor mansion.

"For the longest time I was jealous of Kara".

Alex catches the confused look on Lena's face out the corner of her eye just as she turns away to once again remove the backpack from her shoulders, aware that they need to talk this out before they move on any further, so decides she might as well get comfy. She drops the pack on the ground and then paces a little, knowing that what she's about to talk about is stuff she never really likes to bring up as it's a wound that has never really healed properly, but feels it would be good for Lena to hear.

"My parents were always smart people, top in their respective fields for many years, and very well respected by their peers. They loved learning, and I wasn't exactly a slow coach either". Alex can feel Lena's eyes on her, but she keeps hers on the ground as she paces, her focus in the past. "I was their only child, and I _liked_ it. I got all their praise, and all their focus. Then along Kara came".

Alex can already feel the twist of jealously she'd felt back then squirming in her stomach; the fear of being forgotten, replaced by the prettier, cleverer girl who could fly and bend metal with one hand, and the red hot spike of anger at her parents for taking her in that had almost consumed her.

"Suddenly it felt like I didn't exist anymore. Or worse, I existing in a world where I could do no right". Heat tinges Alex's cheeks at the memory of how her parents had ignored her in favor of fawning over Kara . "It seemed like the only time my parents noticed me was to criticize me, or to point out something I did wrong to Kara so that she didn't do it too".

"That was incredibly unfair of you parents".

"It was like they had just been give the ultimate new specimen to study and I was only kept around as a base study for comparison".

"You resented her for making you feel inferior in your own home".

Lena gets it. Lex had once told her that when he had first found out about their dad having an affair with her mother he had be angry about it because he'd wrongly believed that it had been because Lionel wanted a different family, feeling his own was inferior, and had resented the idea of Lena coming to live with them. Yet when he had met her, so wide eyed and innocent, he had realized that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with his father, so hadn't been able to blame her for any part of it.

"Logically I knew that it wasn't her fault. I mean, Jesus, she'd watched her whole planet explode in front of her eyes and then got stuck in the phantom zone for thirteen years; she was an innocent victim-" Alex runs her hands through her hair in agitation, the short bristles along the side of her head brushing against her palm as she brushes the long strands back "-but when she came out with things like 'it's ironic they call it advanced placement when we learned calculus from aged four on Krypton', or spent all her time _obsessing_ over Clark, even though he never came to visit her, not **once** , the prick, and just wanted to be like him. It made it really hard to bond with her".

"Something obviously changed that". Lena tilts her head to study the pacing woman. "The two of you clearly became incredibly close".

"A schoolfriend of ours, Kenny, was murdered because of something he accidentally saw with his telescope, and Kara and I found out". Alex remembers the fear she'd felt the moment the sheriff had pointed his gun at her. "Kara saved my life using her powers. It was pretty difficult to be pissed at her for being an alien after that".

"You put aside your differences for a common goal and discovered you were more alike than you thought."

Lena smiles softly, thinking how nice it must have been to have a sibling so close in age to share things with. Lex had been so much older than herself growing up that he had seemed more like a third parent, the nicest one, than a sibling, and had then been gone so much at college that they'd never really had time to do much together.

"We did, and I learned to love her like the sister she truly is; but it was still difficult growing up in her shadow".

"Difficult how?"

"I busted my ass earning my PhD's, all the time thinking that if I could outshine Kara academically I might finally earn some respect back from my mom. She'd always placed such value on learning, bettering the world through science, that I was _sure_ it would beat Kara's decision to settle on becoming Cat Grant's P.A".

"I take it your calculations were wrong?" The sympathetic tone in Lena's voice tells Alex she is hoping she's wrong.

"I'd forgotten to factor in that Kara is literally the girl of light, which made me the girl of dark by default". Alex's chuckles lowly as she leans against a large oak tree, a wry smile painting her lips as she crosses her arms and tucks her hands under her armpits. "Kara could have announced she was going to earn a living by farting the Star Spangled Banner using pot sticker powered flatulence and my mom would have offered her nothing but encouragement and positivity. If I'd said it, she'd have had me in rehab within the hour".

"That doesn't sound very fair".

Alex thinks back to how turbulent her early twenties were because of the double standards between herself and Kara. "It wasn't, no. So for a while I gave up trying, and took up drinking instead".

"That doesn't sound very healthy".

The well executed eyebrow raise directed at her sends a frisson down Alex's spine, and she feels the fine hairs on her arms stand on end in reaction. Dropping her eyes to try and break the connection and regain some sort of control, Alex clears her throat. "It really wasn't, and I spiraled to the point where I ended up in jail for a DUI. Luckily J'onn was keeping an eye on me, even back then, and stepped in to help give me a path back to myself. Ironically his offer of a position was part blackmail about Kara".

"There was no part of your life that was free of her". Lena understands how hard that must have been for Alex, growing up living in the long shadow Lex had cast as she did.

"I even hid the fact that I liked girls because of her".

Alex's statement intrigues Lena, and she raises an eyebrow questioningly. "Pray tell, why?"

The flush that creeps up Alex's neck, and the way she shifts awkwardly under Lena's gaze, gives away how the younger woman's scrutiny affects her, but she manages to hold it together enough to reply. "Despite coming from another planet Kara somehow managed to acclimatise to Earth quicker than some people who've been here their whole lives, and is the living embodiment of the all American girl, so when I started getting feelings for one of my friends, a female friend, it was I that ended up feeling like the alien".

"So you took your feelings for this girl, put them in a box labeled 'Do Not Open', and buried it at the back of your mind?"

Lena hypothesizes the ending, which is not that dissimilar to her own teenage years and burgeoning sexuality, to which she receives a nod from Alex.

"I think I buried that box so deep I forgot about it completely and ended up convinced I was just broken in the relationship department. One of those woman that was just more career focused that relationship minded, and had resigned myself to being single. It wasn't until I met Maggie that the lid on that box came loose, and well..."

Observing quietly, Lena can see that the subject of Maggie is still raw for Alex, and wonders if she is still in love with her. Kara had told her a little about their relationship, and she's had a few conversations with Alex herself about her desire to become a mom one day, so knew the reasons they'd broken up. First loves were always the most intense, because you had an unbroken heart to love with, and she envies Maggie for having felt Alex's complete love.

Although, admittedly being somewhat bias having been arrested by her in the past, she also thinks Maggie is a complete idiot. Because who, having been blessed enough to feel the full force of Alex Danver's love, would willing walk away from it?

The woman is _everything_ you could ever ask for in a partner, and ten times more. Having seen the way Alex was able to calm Ruby during even the most stressful of moments, a girl she barely knew but bonded with so quickly, Lena _knows_ that she is going to be an amazing mother. Suddenly, the image of Alex, asleep on the sofa pops into Lena's head. The gorgeous redhead is sprawled on the couch in sweatpants and a DEO T shirt, hair flopping over her forehead as their adorable baby snuggles peacefully in the security of her strong arms...

"Why are you smiling like that?"

The question pulls Lena out of her daydream with a jolt, and she has to blink several times as she tries to get a handle on the startling thought that she'd imagined it was **their** baby, instead of just Alex's.

"I... I was just thinking what an idiot Maggie was for letting you go". Choosing to tell part of the truth seemed like a better choice than a lie, which gives Lena a moment to pull herself together.

"And that made you smile like a kid in a candy store?"

The confused frown on Alex's face is incredibly endearing, and Lena knows she's got it bad for her best friends sister.

"No, Agent Danvers, I was of course not happy that you got hurt in that whole mess". Lena chooses her words carefully, aware that she doesn't want to screw up the potential friendship brewing between them. "I simply got to thinking about how you are now free to find the right woman, and can be loved the way you deserve to be. I was smiling because I was picturing you being the amazing mom I know you'll will be".

"Oh".

Alex's bashful face is even more endearing than her confused face, and Lena bites her lip to try and stop a smile from popping back onto her face at how cute it is.

"I seem to have lost my train of thought suddenly". Alex rubs the back of her neck in a way Lena is coming to learn is a giveaway sign that she is flustered. "I know there was point to me dropping all my adolescent drama on you, but I can't, for the life of me, recall what it is now".

Underneath all that armor and tough exterior, lies a woman with a fragile heart insecure about her own self worth.

We really aren't so different, you and I, Lena finds herself thinking.

It is a strange revelation, seeing so much of herself reflected in such a different personality, and gives Lena pause as she is forced to re-evaluate how critical she has been with herself over the years. For so long now she has blamed herself for so much, taken on so many burdens, that she has struggled to function under the weight sometimes. And she has _always_ felt that she should still be doing more, has constantly felt guilty for any moments of pleasure she's enjoyed that have been about herself and not for the betterment of others.

Yet looking at Alex, who is doing the exact same thing; putting far too much pressure on herself and drowning under the weight of all her obligations, she can objectively see that it isn't right. Lena believes in her heart that Alex deserves a family. A wife to shower her with affection and desire. Children for unconditional love and to remind her to not take life to seriously. And friends to relax with.

Which, if she is using her own rules to measure with, means that she does too.

Lena sighs softly as she tries to shake the thought of wanting all that _with_ Alex, but knows that it is almost impossible as the image is too damn inviting looking in her head.

Instead she responds to Alex, trying to distract herself another way. "I think you were trying to make me feel better by proving you're the black sheep of your family too".

"Oh, yeah". Alex grins sheepishly. "Sorry. I never seem to know how to handle flattery. Stick a gun in my face and I'm as cool as a cucumber, but the second an attractive woman gives me a compliment I tend to go to pieces".

"You may be bad at receiving compliments, but you seem pretty good at dishing them out".

Lena has clocked the number of comments Alex had made about her, and given her current mood, feels that maybe now is the time to stop letting them slide.

"This morning you referred to me as 'ridiculously gorgeous'. During your rather cute little babble when you were trying to assure me you were fine with me sleeping with Kara you called me 'insanely gorgeous'. And just now you called me attractive-"

The middle of the woods, during a mission that is technically to retrieve a missing woman that is grieving the loss of her sister, may not been the time _or_ the place for this; but Lena fears that the minute they get back to the city Alex might simply disappear back behind her workload and she'll lose her chance to find out, so uses the opportunity she has now as she looks straight at the suddenly nervous looking woman as she asks;

"-are you hitting on me, Agent Danvers?"

 **Thank you for reading!**

 **Reviews are my lifeblood so please FEED THE BEAST.**

 **The more detail the more I survive!**

 **(Seriously, please tell me what you like. It would make me really REALLY happy to exactly what parts worked for you guys).**


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